Professor R J Lupin
by PadfootandProngs91
Summary: Complete A wolf. That's what he is, that's what he always will be. As a boy he believed himself as a lost cause, unworthy of a normal life. As a man he will change. For the better or worse.


_**Disclaimer: As with all HP fanfiction, none of the canon characters belong to me. "Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear" was said by Benedict Spinoza.**_

Authors Note: Thanks to Angel of Darkness, juls and harrysgirl24 for reading through and working out what I did wrong. Also kudos to JessiRose's inspiration challenge, which is the reason I wrote this. Enjoy!

_The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become._ --Charles Dubois.

"'ere we are," the knight bus driver said, jerking on the brakes. His matted hair and black teeth repulsed his passenger. But the rider smiled politely at his driver, his contrasting white teeth mocking the other man's black. The passenger handed the grotesque man a few coins, taking his leave off the purple bus.

The brown haired man's robes flapped in the wake of the disappearing bus. Smiling softly, his amber eyes showed his true feelings. Glassy and clouded, his face seemed to blend with the somber fog. Attempting to lay his patched robes flat, the werewolf took a deep breath before stepping forward. 

The cool fall air nipped at Remus' face as he climbed the hill towards the tall iron gate. A curly welded message lay in an arch across the top, "Fear cannot be without hope nor hope without fear," The sad smile on his face slowly melted away as he thought of the realism in that very statement. Life and death was truly a mystery to Remus Lupin and he was certain it would stay that way.

The battered man reached the gates, pushing them open. The clichéd squeaky hinges filled the still air as he walked along the beaten path. The stone below him lay cracked and worn while the headstones surrounding him on all sides glared as he passed. Angry that Remus dare walk by without so much as a hello, the nerve of him! How could Remus ignore such stone memories with not a single tear shed for their lose? One could only guess.

His eyes lay ahead, focusing on the twisting path and its end. Two tiny pieces of stone sat on top of the browning grass, seemingly lit up against the gray sky. Remus quickly made his way up the path, stopping before the two graves. They were placed so close that it seemed like the deceased could've held hands. The smile worked its way back onto his face.

Remus took off his faded black cloak, dropping it beside himself as he sat on the ground. He looked thinner than he had ever, his hair graying more every day. It had been ages since his clothes fit properly but it was as if that had never happened. They hung loosely from his boney frame, something that would've made his friends furious.

"James," Remus whispered, staring at the description on the hard stone. The dates told what every wizard and witch alive knew. This man, a great man, had died before his life had truly begun. Had he lived longer, even a year, it was almost a known fact he would've done something great, maybe even phenomenal. A sigh escaped Remus as he remembered the day he had begun to respect this very man…

"_Come on, Remus! I'm sick of Herbology," Sirius Black exclaimed, shoving his second year textbook away from him. The black haired boy had been sitting there for less than an hour, declaring the subject completely useless. It was quite possible he had spent more time protesting than actually trying to study._

Remus Lupin rolled his eyes, his head buried in his own textbook, "You haven't done anything," he replied, turning one of the thin pages that made up the thick book. He wouldn't let his friend know it, but he too couldn't stand reading another paragraph on mandrakes.

The scene of the four second years was quite the same as it had been for nearly two years. Sirius and Peter sat on the ground, both with their books opened while James was slouched in one of the many armchairs. Seated on the couch was Remus, endlessly trying to get all three to study. Most days it was Sirius who gave up first, that particular day being no different.

A few minutes passed as Remus ignored his friend, trying to explain exactly what a mandrake was used for to Peter. A loud sigh came from the black haired boy, but Remus continued to go on. James, who normally would've quit right after Sirius, sat quietly watching his brown haired friend.

Another loud sigh interrupted Remus' explanation, but the boy continued on.

"So Remus," James suddenly said, sitting up in his chair, "We were thinking of pulling a prank next Wednesday. You up for it?"

Remus stopped mid-sentence, slowly looking towards James. Both Peter and Sirius had stared at their friend, eager for his answer. Remus shifted in his seat, the text book in his lap forgotten, "I can't,"

"Why?" Sirius questioned, eyebrow arched. 

Remus bit his lip, shaking his head, "I just can't, all right?" He stood up, snatching his bag from the ground, "Just leave it be, Sirius. For once," he ordered, turning to leave.

He hadn't gotten nearly a foot from the group when James muttered, "Bloody moon. Screws up everything, doesn't it?"

Remus had always mocked the moments in books when the author states that the main character's stomach has dropped. To him, the possibly of that happening, even figuratively, was by far improbable. But there Remus was; his stomach far from its natural place, and plunging deeper.

"It's okay, the Slytherins can wait till after," Sirius replied, both him and James knowing full well that Remus could hear them, "It'll keep them worrying,"

Laughter came from James as Remus stood off to the side of the three, rooted to his spot. His hands felt clammy as he gripped his bag's strap, his knuckles whiter than his pale face. Remus could barely breathe as the laugher died down.

How could they possibly know?

"Wouldn't want to see the look on their faces if we did do it then," James chuckled, leaning forward but never lowering his voice, "Imagine that! A big and hairy werewolf comes rushing in, nearly ripping off their heads,"

"Be bloody fantastic, that would," Sirius agreed as Peter viciously nodded his head, his beady eyes in admiration to the two for talking so openly. Remus had his back facing them, keeping himself from storming out yet completely captivated by their comments.

"Here," James said, jumping up. He pulled both Peter and Sirius with them, placing them in front of the fire, "You be the Slytherins and I'll be Remus," Both nodded, quickly taking their roles.

"Snape," Peter hissed to Sirius, pretending the student was walking by.

"Have you seen his hair?" Sirius shuddered, turning to Peter, "I'd die before I let myself go like that. All the grease.." the boy shuddered again, pulling his robes tight.

"I know, it's comple-"

"Arrgh!" James interrupted, jumping in front of the two. His fingers were bent as if he had claws and he was hunched over, apparently impersonating a werewolf. It was beyond insulting. Both Sirius and Peter screamed, hiding their smiles. James tackled Sirius, wrestling his friend on the crimson carpet. He went as far as pretending to rip of Sirius' head, hold up an invisible skull and yelping in triumph. Sirius sputtered on the ground, clutching his throat mockingly.

Sirius stood up along side Peter, clapping as James bowed before the two, "Thank you! I always knew this part was my calling,"

"What?" came a soft voice from behind James. Remus stood there, having turned around during the performance. His bag fell to the ground, his pale hands still clutching tightly to the strap. It was as if, by appearance alone, he was another person.

"It's funny to you, isn't it?" Remus questioned, his voice slowly inching higher, "All a big joke!"

"Remus—" James warned from in front of him. The boy rocked on his heels, his eyes wide with anger. They had hurt him bad, and he'd be cursed to oblivion if he wasn't going to do the same.

"And you. James Potter. What a fantastic impression by the way. Captured the sheer evil of all werewolves around," Remus shot sarcastically, "Pity you didn't know. Could've saved you the pain of befriending such scum,"

"Remus—" Sirius started, his gray eyes shining with guilt.

"No! I don't want your pity, Black," Sirius' face fell at the use of his surname, something Remus was never known to do, "I can't believe you. All of you," He bit his lip, his enraged eyes wet from tears about to fall, "Laughing at—at me,"

"We weren't—"

"Then what was that?!" Remus nearly shouted, dropping the strap. His hair seemed to be messy as he circled around the couch, inches from Sirius' face, "It's my life, Sirius. My problem, not yours to make a joke," Remus let out a humorless laugh, "I suppose you should've been a Slytherin," 

The black haired boy's eyes clouded over, his jaw tightening. The air in the common room darkened as those words were spoken. It seemed stuffier, more hateful. Before Sirius could pounce on his friend, a messy haired figure sailed through the air. He hit Remus, sending both of them to the ground. James sat on his friend's torso, his arms holding down the boy's wrist.

"Take it back," James hissed. Remus stayed silent. James pressed down on his arms, noting the pained look on his face as he pushed harder, "Now Lupin!"

Remus let out a low sigh, "I can't breathe," he choked out. James pressed down harder before Remus got out a quick apology. Suddenly air filled his lungs as James stared down at his friend.

"You need to know one thing, Remus. We're not here to make fun or disown you. We want you to know that you can tell us anything," Sirius made a loud sigh, staring pointedly at James, who rolled his yes, "And we want you to laugh at yourself. Don't ask me why, we just do," He paused, taking his hands off Remus' wrists, but still not standing up, "We're best mates, always. No matter what problems we face,"

Remus turned his head away, a small smile playing across his lips. Remus Lupin nodded, the smile on his face slowly widening.

A single tear rolled down Remus' face as he thought back to that day. It had been the first time someone treated his problem with something other than pity. The feeling had been overwhelming, almost as if a weight was lifted. James Potter would forever sit in a new light after the day he pinned Remus.

His eyes shifted slowly to the tomb next to his friend's, another name written in the stone. Her own dates revealed that she too was very young the day she died. Remus could remember the red hair atop her head and the near cherry look of her cheeks as she shouted at her husband. Ah yes, the name Lily Evans sparked a simple image of a strong woman, one who Remus had admired for most of his younger and adult life.

_Remus_ _Lupin sat in the bright sunshine, his back pressed against one of the many trees. He had his knees pulled to his fragile chest, his arms resting on top while he buried his head in them. Every few seconds a quiet sniffle would come from the unmoving boy, and he would dig his face further into his robes._

The wind seemed to want to comfort him, swirling around him playfully. It poked his side, fleeing as soon as he moved. It would poke him on his other side, once again jumping back as he shifted. But no matter how the wind tried, it couldn't get this boy to budge. Not one bit.

A small sob escaped his throat, its contrast to the quiet around him causing the noise to echo. The cries grew louder and more hysterical as he shed tears faster. Remus' body ached as he slowly stared rocking, trying to calm himself like his mother had always done. It was not use.

The sound of a stray twig snapping stopped Remus. His tears halted and his body sat still. A figure could be felt sitting quietly next to him, breathing softly. Millions of people flashed through the young boys mind, each of them unwanted. The idea of one of the Marauders sitting there caused tears to well up once more.

"What happened?" asked a light voice, as soft as its breathe.

Remus slowly pulled his head from his arms, turning towards the person. He hadn't expected her red hair or those wild green eyes. A pattern seemed to be forming as Remus saw her soft smile.

"Nothing," he mumbled, trying to rub the red from his eyes. Lily laughed, pulling out a cloth from her robe pocket. She handed the flushed sixth year the fabric, instructing him to "fix himself up".

"Nothing has sure got you upset, Remus," Lily stated, leaning her head back. It seemed even the wind refrained from making a sound when her gentle voice filled the air. But unlike the wind's silence, Remus was merely afraid of telling his peer what had happened.

"Sirius," Remus blurted out, still trying to keep himself from giving too much away. Lily glanced at him, eyes telling him to go on, "He—I can't imagine why he thought it could've possibly been a good idea. Doing that to Snape!" he ended in a huff, eyes nearly tearing up again.

"What did he do to Snape?"

"Bloody git told him to go into the shack—"

"The Shrieking Shack?"

"Of course! What other one is there?" Remus answered, still in a rant about his four legged friend, "I could've killed him! Pad foot knows how dangerous it is, yet he's thick enough to send Snape down the tunnel. If it hadn't been for James—"

"Potter? What'd he do?" Lily asked, fully turned towards the rambling boy.

"Stopped Snape before I bit his head off," Remus shook his head, "If any parent ever got wind of this—let's just say a werewolf wouldn't be allowed in again,"

Remus' eyes widened the minute that sentence had escaped his mouth. His hands clamped down his lips, forcing himself to be quiet. Remus couldn't tell what Lily had thought in those few seconds, but it was bound to be horrible.

"Again?" she asked in a low voice, "Does that mean..?" Remus nodded. He watched as Lily turned her back to the tree, leaning her head against its trunk once more. Silence filled the grounds as Remus and even the wind waited for Lily to reply.

"So," Lily said, "Potter saved Snape?" 

Remus roughly wiped his eyes, refusing to allow another tear drop to escape. He stood up, his height making the stones seem tiny. Draping his cloak around himself, Remus struggled to clasp it. His vision was blurry from the welled up tears but nonetheless, he finally put all of the clasps in place. Once again wiping his eyes on the back of his hands, Remus started down at the tombs. He ran a shaking finger along the top of each, truly not wanting to go.

"Merlin I miss you," he whispered, yanking his hand from the tombs as if they had burned him badly. The wind, maybe even the same from that day with Lily, nipped his face once more. He pulled his cloak tight around himself and left, leaving his two friends behind.

"_An Auror._ _Send people like my parents to Azkaban," _The sound of young Sirius Black filled the man's head. He sighed as he thought of the irony in that very statement. The boy who planned to send people to Azkaban now held his own cell. Remus continued down the worn path, thinking of his childhood.

"_Not me. I'm going to be a Quidditch star,"_ Remus sighed again, knowing James Potter's dream would never come true. He had spent years of his life dreaming to be the worlds best Chaser. But now, his broom sat alone. Forever.

"_How about you, Moony?"_ Peter had asked. Just remembering his voice, poor Peter Pettigrew voice, formed a knot in the man's throat. The temperature dropped as Remus left the graveyard, not in the mood to ride the knight bus again. He could remember telling them he wasn't going to be anything, not him.

Not the wolf.

_Minerva McGongall sat behind her wood desk, stacking papers here and there. By her constant look towards her office door, she was waiting for someone to arrive. In her useless rearrangement of her desk, her elbow knocked over her collection of quills. As she bent to retrieve them, her oak door creaked open._

"Professor?"

McGonagall's head shot up, her face flushed. It seemed to always be this particular student who had a knack for seeing the woman out of character, "Mr. Lupin. Sit, please" Remus nodded, setting his bag next to the chair before sinking into it.

"On time I see. Good, good…" She said, shuffling through the pamphlets on her desk. Minerva let out a small sigh before folding her hands and focusing her attention fully on the brown haired boy, "You know, of course, why you were called today?"

Remus shook his head, "Not really, Professor,"

"You never came for career advice, Mr. Lupin. It's required for all fifth years,"

He bit his lip, wringing his hands together, "I understand that Professor, but I just thought it would be a waste for both of us,"

"And why is that?"

"You know as well as I do that I have no reason to try for a career. Dumbledore may have let me come here but others aren't going to be as generous," Remus ended in a low whisper, turning his head away from his professor.

Minerva stared at the young boy, a slight look of sympathy in her eyes. That only made the feeling in Remus' stomach worsen, "Your lycanthropy doesn't affect your plans for the future," A humorless chuckle came from the boy as Minerva added, "I want you to pretend you haven't got a problem,"

Remus sharply looked at his professor, eye brows knitted together, "Why?"

"Just do it, Lupin," Remus sighed, nodding to her, "Now, what career interests you?"

Remus sat there, trying to decide what he would want to do if he had no problem. He couldn't see himself as an Auror like Sirius, he was too shy for it. Remus was never a fan of Quidditch like James and honestly could promise that running a candy shop in muggle London didn't appeal to him, unlike Peter.

"I can't do this Professor," Remus gave up, standing and turning to leave.

"If you do not sit down and tell me what you want to do with the rest of your life, Mr. Lupin, you'll be in detention for the rest of the school year,"

Remus stopped, slowly taking his seat in the same chair. Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine what his life would be like if he had never been bitten, how his life could be, "A professor," he mumbled, eyes still screwed shut.

A rare smile found its way onto Minerva's usually thin lips as she picked a few of the pamphlets off the desk, "I'd suggest keeping your core classes, Lupin. In case you'd like to teach one of those" Remus' eyes snapped open as he leaned forward, listening intently to what his professor had to say.

The wind became nearly unbearable as Remus walked along the dirt road. Nearly September, the temperature of the air would suggest otherwise. Even with his cloak pulled tightly, Remus could feel goose bumps popping up all over his thin arms. Near frostbite made the wild driving of the Knight Bus much more appealing.

Finally giving up, Remus flung out his wand arm, grimacing at the wind that hit his flesh. Mere seconds later a large purple bus screeched to a halt in front of Remus. A pimple covered man stepped out of the door, nodding at Remus, "'orry it took so long, 'ad a drop at the Leaky Cauldron," he grinned, showing his teeth to Remus. It was obvious nearly all the staff on the Knight Bus kept bad dental hygiene, "It was for 'Arry Potter, wasn't it Ern?" The driver nodded. 

Remus held his composure, Harry's name creating images of those lonely head stones in his mind. Smiling softly at the two, Remus boarded the bus, sitting on one of the beds that had replaced the sofas after he had left. Stan, who had given him a formal greeting on his first ride of the day, opened his newspaper. Sirius Black's face was screaming at him from the front page.

Those hollow eyes and the limp hair made Remus nearly break down again. Normally not so emotional, all things considered, he had the right to be. He had returned to the grave site of two of his closest friends, relived memories that held Peter and saw the face of the man who had caused the entire mess. It was almost a sin to tell him to keep his tears from falling.

His eyes trailed to the window as the countryside whipped by. Still thinking of Padfoot, Remus could remember exactly why he had taken up Albus' offer.

_Remus_ _Lupin stood in front of the office, the one he knew so well. It had been nearly seventeen years since he had stood in front of his very door. The circumstances were very different, but either way, a feeling of dread filled his stomach as it always had. Sure, he had never truly been the leader of any of the childhood pranks. But disappointing his headmaster, after all he did, scared Remus endlessly._

"Come in," a gentle voice called from behind the door before Remus even had time to lift his hand to knock. Expecting such admittance, Remus turned the door handle and let himself into the grand office. Many portraits still hung on the walls, interesting knick knacks were on shelves and the same desk sat in the room. Remus knew it hadn't changed and smiled as he sank into the familiar chairs in front of the man's desk.

"Lemon drop?" Albus Dumbledore asked, waving a hand towards the bowl at the corner of his desktop. Remus smiled, taking one of the candies. The two sat in silence as the candy dissolved in their mouths, keeping them from saying a word.

"You wanted to speak to me Albus?" Remus asked, taking another one of the yellow sweets.

"Indeed," The headmaster answered, his eyes sparkling behind his well known half moon spectacles. Like every other time Remus had been summoned, Albus sat behind his desk with his strong fingers together. Apparently things never changed at Hogwarts, "You are aware of the unfortunate accident Professor Lockhart endured,"

Remus nodded, unable to talk with the candy in his mouth. Dumbledore continued, still smiling, "I have spent the last few months searching for a replacement but, alas, no one has come up. Severus has offered many times but then I would be out a Potions Master, wouldn't I? That wouldn't do," Albus paused, still staring intently at the man, "I consulted Minerva about my problems and do you know what she told me?"

"Not a clue," Remus answered, taking yet another candy. He had always been fond of them.

"It seems that a very troubled and very doubtful young man had told her years ago that he wished to be a professor," Dumbledore smiled as Remus choked on the lemon drop, dropping it in his palm, "I am merely making sure he knows the position is his if he choose it,"

Remus stared at his former headmaster who had obviously gone mad in the last few years. He tried to get the concept of Dumbledore possibly wanting Remus, of all people, to teach at his school. To students, of all things!

"Albus, I fully appreciate this. But I can't teach," Remus said, shaking his head, "Not with in my condition,"

A light chuckle came from the old man who had finally left the position he always in. He leaned forward on the desk, hands placed firmly on the top, "I believe you can, Remus. Your condition, as you put it, will never be a problem,"

"No," Remus said, standing up. As he stood, he caught sight of the Daily Prophet peeking out from under the papers on Dumbledore's desk. Prisoner Escapes Azkaban was the headline, one that the werewolf had read over and over again. Fear welled up in his chest as he thought of the only reason Black would escape. A memory of a baby's coos filled his head as he sat back down in the chair.

"All right. I'll do it,"

Remus sighed, exhausted from the emotional ride he had taken that day. He never would've thought, after spending his life believing himself to be too different to be accepted, he'd take up such a job like a professor. He was a werewolf, a monster. There was no way he could ever become a normal person with a normal job like teaching.

Remus smiled as the Knight Bus flew forward, truly registering the fact that he had overcome it. He was no longer the boy with a terrible burden on his shoulders, one that kept him from truly living a normal life. He was a wizard who was moving on and doing it well.

His only wish was that he had done it all sooner.


End file.
